Tuesday, 15 September 2009

Goodbye Nan

It is the worst thing to write about. Mostly because it’s painful, but also because it evokes unwanted sympathy.
But it’s the worst thing not to write about because if you don’t, it drains you, and slowly chips away at your insanity. When I can feel the weight of all the things I wish I’d said, all the things I wish I’d done differently filling up my entire being, scraping at my insides, burning firey in my throat until I’m sure I can’t push it any further down, can’t hold it in any longer. When I’m doubting and second-guessing and berating myself for mistakes that just keep on piling up and the inability to even talk about them, let alone fix them. When I get to that point, so wracked with despair over things I’ll never be able to change that I think it’s impossible to fit any more pain in, I make a little more room. I go to that place that I spend all my time hiding from, all my time ignoring and denying, and I painfully push the thorns in deeper, widening bloody gaps until there’s just enough space for more things I don’t have the strength to say. And I push in more. Painstakingly. I’ve been doing it for so long I’m starting to worry what will happen when I really do run out of room. Sometimes I imagine I’ll just explode, and waves of filthy, black, sludgey regret will cover everything within a one mile radius of me. Or maybe I’ll go catatonic. Or maybe I’ll finally manage to succeed in erasing all the things I keep running away from, so I can finally rest. I know all the right things to say to myself. Like, self, you are being emo and stupid. Get over yourself. You have a lot to be happy about so, just be happy. Stop worrying about things you can’t change – they’re over. Let them go. Let it all go. What good does regret do you? It only makes you feel worse. Fix what you can fix. Find the strength and just do it. Stop pretending things away. Stop faking. Tell someone. Tell anyone YOU Nan taught me that , you taught me strength, courage and love. Ill never forget the truth you showed me in life , you showed me not everything is simple but you dont have to make a complicated answer to solve them . You took this angry little girl and made her a strong woman ...Thank you nan for showing me humility , kindness , love and courage , i know you'll never leave me .. But Im not so strong at the moment and im am trying but like everyone else, am better at giving advice than taking it. And I stay frozen. Too stupid to do anything else for the time being. Except write this – retardedness. I know none of this makes any sense. I’m terrible at articulating anything real. The same way I’m terrible at dealing with anything real. But, I don’t know. Maybe this is helping. A little.

Monday, 6 July 2009

My Weekend

Well This Weekends Exploits Have Been Amusing, Insane And Teedious... Why Do I Feel The Need To Be Polite To People I Should Really Squash Like A BUG? Lol
... Well Friday Wasnt So Bad , To Be Fair, The Company Was Rather Good....Although.... *come round i'll make ya dinner, we can share a bottle and watch a dvd*.... Didnt Exactly Work Out That Way Did It? NOOOO Was More Of CrazyHell Cooks Whilst He Watched Episode Lol...I Know *he* Will Read This....*Points Yes YOU Mr Octopus hands lol*....Anyway I Decided I Needed To Vent And Get Some Stuff Off Me Chest, So I Was Putting The World To Rights And After A Couple Bottles Of Wine....I Realised All I Was Well Was Jus Tipsy, Which In Itself Werent A Bad Thing Coz Id Forgotten All About The Reason I Was Vexed Lol....But Shhh Between Me And U After A Few Bottles i Really Am Invisible Pmsl!!.... Now Ladies Some Free Advice Here....Never Goto A Mans House For Dinner Ect You Met Over The Internet To Watch A Movie About A Internet Serial Killer Pmsl....Kinda Has You Looking At Your Dinner Knife And A Escape Route HAHA!!!....Only Joking....* we shall call him Dave .. But Dave really wasnt ya smartest move to woo me lol and none of this i am the law patter neither lol*.... So Where Was I....Oh Yeah Im In A Weird Sort Of Mood, The Unsure, Uncertain But Equally Im Not Unsatisfied....Life Is Going Good Now If Im Honest....But Its Lacking Something, Their Isnt Any Excitement....Its The Same Old Same Old Daily Routine....How So I Hear Ya Squeal Ya Went Out For Dinner Friday And Had A Date Saturday.... *get to that in a minute lol*.... It Jus Seems Like Life Is Lacking Something ....*answers on a postcard if u know what*....Im Finding Myself Less Patient, Less Interested And Less Tolerent Of Certain People And Their Fucking ISSUES , I Find Myself Biting My Tongue And Wanting To Scream.... *sort it fucking out coz i dunt give a shit anymore!*....Wish I Didnt Feel Like This And I Could Shake This Feeling And Whats Going On In This Jumbled Old Head Of Mine!!!.... Anyway Onto More Humourus Things....My Date Saturday Night.... Thanks Too Two Interfering Members Of My Family And Their.... *u need to have someone special in your life for the millionth time talk*.... I STUPIDLY Agreed To Go On A Blind Date....Talk About Your All Time Awkward Silences....*yep for once i was left silenced lol*.... Now He Wasnt Bad Looking Even Took Me To A Nice Pub, Nice Food....*weird lookin country bumpkin folks in the pub lol*....Nice Beer....And Thats Was IT HAHA....The Convo Was As Interesting As Watching Paint Dry....When I Asked What He Did For A Living I Wasnt Expecting....*smash peoples heads in love i just got out from a 7yr stretch *....At Which Point I Think I Gulped A Double Vodka In Guiness World Breaking Time....So Its Safe to Say Their Will NOT Be A Second Date Although He Was Rather Keen Even Tho I Was Mouth Agape And Vacant Eyes All Evening....So Next Time A Dates Mentioned Or Setup Im Taking A Baseball Bat To Certain Persons Head HAHA....So Yeah Another Interesting Installment In The Facade Called My Life And I Havent Even Thought About Tackling Today Lol....

Tuesday, 30 June 2009

Tits O'Clock

Well Its TITS O Clock!!! Im Over Tired, Over Thinking, Over FED The FUCK UP!! Ever Been On A Merry Go Round About You Think Is About To Stop But Then Suddenly Goes Round AGAIN!! Well Thats My Head...*sorry dancing in chair..random good tune on haha*...U Know My Attention Span lol!!
Soooooo Im Supposed To Dish All The Dirt On Me Day *watches peeps go running for the Hills lol* TRUTH.. Some Peoples Have Pissed Me RIGHT Off, Some Have Made Me Look, Laugh,Perplexed,Question Life,Wanna Kick Them LOL *we dunt discuss the peeps i have and wanna hit with me bat ;) *

I Woke Up This Morning With Same Feeling As Any Other Day *SHIT* haha..I Gotta Get Up And No Johnny Depp/Danny Dyer Beside Me!!!!!(surely a criminal offence lol)
I Stumbled Thru The MORNING Although .. I Do Have To Add Was Full Of Me Being And Playin The Party Well TOO Well Some Might Say LOL.. As A ARROGANT C*NT!!!!!! *he deserved it lol*
Im Off to See FRED DURST..Now If U Know Me Im Like A Kid On Blue Smarties When It Comes To Seeing Live Bands.. Ive Jus Come Back From DOWNLOAD *look it up fools lol* OMG Two Times In One Year!!! What Luck... Better Than The Luck Im Having Dating PMSL.. Right Well Its 3ish FFS I Gotta Be Up At 5am Lol.........Love To Those WHO Deserve It .. Rest Of Ya's FUCK OFF!! Im Done With LOSERS!!!

Tuesday, 23 June 2009

Shes Landed

Well after serious amounts of consideration , i felt it wasnt fair on the world to keep the thoughts in my head to myself lol!! ,and seen as im banned from most forums for being politically incorrect , i thought id start me own blog!! (Jenns fault lol) Hells little peice of the internet where i can jumble ya head with random , weird and inane thoughts as well as the odd piece of art thrown in haha! If ya expecting sense and maturity you stopped at the wrong blog the exit is >>>> that way dunt let the door hit ya ass on the way out!!! I have a opinion and whether you believe me to be right or wrong i expect you to respect it i may be a bit LOUD and swear alot but i DO respect other peoples views!! So lil bit about me.... Im a 35yr old single mum to 4 kids , they are wonderful and horrid lil sods at the same time lol but i couldnt be without them *thinks* well i could if Johnny Depp turned up in the Black Pearl for me lol!! I live in a supposed village and yes i am the idiot but i have more braincells than most round here, whom i just ignore anyway lol... Things thats are important to me my family and friends you cant get thru life without these people and you should love and cherish each one , i have a large internet family whom i love dearly they keep me kinda sane (you know who you are) ... My interests are music and art both of which i do daily!! as well as world domination, dancing on my chair and annoying the world in general! Cant think of anything else at the moment apart from welcome to my world..