Tuesday, 15 September 2009

Goodbye Nan

It is the worst thing to write about. Mostly because it’s painful, but also because it evokes unwanted sympathy.
But it’s the worst thing not to write about because if you don’t, it drains you, and slowly chips away at your insanity. When I can feel the weight of all the things I wish I’d said, all the things I wish I’d done differently filling up my entire being, scraping at my insides, burning firey in my throat until I’m sure I can’t push it any further down, can’t hold it in any longer. When I’m doubting and second-guessing and berating myself for mistakes that just keep on piling up and the inability to even talk about them, let alone fix them. When I get to that point, so wracked with despair over things I’ll never be able to change that I think it’s impossible to fit any more pain in, I make a little more room. I go to that place that I spend all my time hiding from, all my time ignoring and denying, and I painfully push the thorns in deeper, widening bloody gaps until there’s just enough space for more things I don’t have the strength to say. And I push in more. Painstakingly. I’ve been doing it for so long I’m starting to worry what will happen when I really do run out of room. Sometimes I imagine I’ll just explode, and waves of filthy, black, sludgey regret will cover everything within a one mile radius of me. Or maybe I’ll go catatonic. Or maybe I’ll finally manage to succeed in erasing all the things I keep running away from, so I can finally rest. I know all the right things to say to myself. Like, self, you are being emo and stupid. Get over yourself. You have a lot to be happy about so, just be happy. Stop worrying about things you can’t change – they’re over. Let them go. Let it all go. What good does regret do you? It only makes you feel worse. Fix what you can fix. Find the strength and just do it. Stop pretending things away. Stop faking. Tell someone. Tell anyone YOU Nan taught me that , you taught me strength, courage and love. Ill never forget the truth you showed me in life , you showed me not everything is simple but you dont have to make a complicated answer to solve them . You took this angry little girl and made her a strong woman ...Thank you nan for showing me humility , kindness , love and courage , i know you'll never leave me .. But Im not so strong at the moment and im am trying but like everyone else, am better at giving advice than taking it. And I stay frozen. Too stupid to do anything else for the time being. Except write this – retardedness. I know none of this makes any sense. I’m terrible at articulating anything real. The same way I’m terrible at dealing with anything real. But, I don’t know. Maybe this is helping. A little.